There is a way back!
From the outside, my life looked full and fun.
I lived in New York City. I had amazing friends.
I built a creative career as a floral designer and I was good at it.
But on the inside I was struggling. And I had been for a long time.
And then 9/11 happened.
I had dealt with mild depression since my early 20s. But after 9/11 it got intense.
Suddenly the city I loved became terrifying to me.
I was scared all the time. I was hyper-aware and constantly on edge.
I would get on the subway and if anyone looked even slightly sketch, I would get right back off and wait for the next train.
Daily activities like shopping -- or even walking down my own street -- became a struggle.
My doctor prescribed anti-depressants but it wasn't a quick-fix. It was a long road back to feeling like myself again.
But eventually I did get better. So much so that I thought I was ready to get married and even start a family.
By now I was in my mid-30s. I had been in a relationship for 8 years so getting married just made sense to me.
What didn't make sense was that the marriage fell apart after less than two years. Total fail.
I was alone and confused. Self-doubt and anxiety started to again affect my behavior, and make daily life difficult.
But then I met another man.
My marriage fell apart after less than 2 years.
But this time I was going to get my fairy tale ending.
But hold on...
I didn't just meet another man. I met the man. The man I was supposed to be with.
Now it all made sense! This was why my first marriage ended when it did -- because I needed to be unattached and available when this man walked into my life.
The years leading up to this extraordinary love affair had been messy and painful, but that was behind me now. The future was bright and beautiful: marriage; children; stability and security.
I had met my prince. And this time I was going to get my fairy tale ending.
But first I needed a change of scenery.
After trying and failing to start a family, I felt like I had to get out of the city.
Three failed pregnancies had completely hijacked my hormones. I wasn't healthy. And I feared that my romantic bliss was at risk. So my husband and I moved to Lake Tahoe.
And it was wonderful.
After living in New York City for almost 20 years it was incredible to reconnect with nature and all its beauty. And I flourished.
I got off my anti-depressants because I didn't need them anymore. I was happy. I was healthy. I was skinny.
But most of all, I was in love. Truly, madly, deeply in love...
And then suddenly my husband left and it was over. Just like that.
Looking back, there were signs, of course. But at the time I was blindsided. One day he was there and (I thought) we were happy. The next day he was gone.
I didn't understand it. I couldn't. Nothing made sense to me.
For the 2nd time in 5 years I found myself divorced and alone.
And I had nothing.
No home. No car. No money.
I was broken. Not just my heart, but my brain. I simply could not process what had happened to me and my brain broke in half.
And then suddenly it was over.
I had lived in Dallas briefly before moving to New York. I never even considered going back to Texas.
Fortunately, I have always been blessed with amazing girlfriends.
(I share more on this in my blog, Soul Sparks; I cannot overstate the impact these strong, incredible women have had - and continue to have - in my life!)
One of those incredible women - my beautiful friend Jenn - lived with her husband in Austin, Texas.
Texas?!
I had lived in Dallas briefly before moving to New York, and honestly I wasn't a fan. I never even considered going back.
But my options were few, and Jenn wouldn't take No for an answer. "Get your butt down here," she insisted.
She was willing to care for me and I definitely needed caring for.
So I moved to Austin.
--Where I started the healing process all over again.
And I did heal. I was still confused and heartbroken, but with love and support from Jen and others, I started to move forward.
I began to make a life for myself in Austin. I found work doing floral design. I got an apartment. I actually started to have fun again.
And then Covid happened.
Covid!
It happened to all of us, I know, but it hit me so hard. My life was totally upended -- again. I lost my job, and I had to quarantine alone. For months.
I started living inside my head, and it was dark in there. Like, really dark. I started to believe that living was torture. That being here in this world made no sense because it was nothing but suffering.
And I honestly didn't want to be here. I didn't want to devastate my parents and my friends who had done so much for me -- but I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about it. Instead I just sank deeper into darkness.
Alcoholics call it rock bottom. For me it was my dark knight of the soul.
So when my doctor suggested I try Ketamine therapy, I had zero expectation that it would help. But somewhere deep inside there was a part of me that wasn't ready to give up.
Because I agreed. And that decision changed everything.
Alcoholics call it rock bottom.
For me it was my dark knight of the soul.
I couldn't yet define the journey, but I knew I was on the path.
During my very first Ketamine treatment, the darkness receded. Not entirely, but enough that I experienced a sensation of warmth and the first glimmer of hope I'd had in a long time.
It was a spark. A soul spark. And in that brief flash of a moment, I knew:
There is a way back.
I'm not suggesting that Ketamine is for everyone. I'm sure it's not, and anyway I'm not trained or qualified to say. But it worked for me in extraordinary and life-changing ways.
As my treatments continued, I was able to disassociate from my body and my ego. All of my fears fell away. And without those things -- the physical body, the human ego, and the fears that control us -- it was easy to hear what the universe was telling me:
Love is all there is; love is the beginning, and at the end there is nothing left but love. Our human experience is hard, but our souls are pure love.
It sounds so simple -- and it is! -- but it's also profound. And for me it was life-changing. There was a shift in my perception and my outlook. I couldn't yet define the journey but I knew I was on the path.
And that first spark of hope grew. It burned brighter and hotter and soon it became a fire -- a Soulfire.
As my mind and my heart began to open up, I realized that everyday life was echoing and reinforcing what I was experiencing in my treatments.
The signs were there -- and the reset that was happening in my brain made it possible for me to receive them.
That's when a Dolores Cannon video showed up in my Facebook feed.
I had never even heard of Dolores Cannon or QHHT. Nothing in my search history or algorithm could explain this video, but here it was.
So I watched it, and I connected with it immediately. Everything about it -- every word of it -- was familiar to me. It was like I had watched it before but I knew I hadn't.
And then I realized -- I hadn't already seen it but I had already heard it. This was the message. This was exactly the message that the universe had been communicating to me.
In fact, near the end of the video, a man doing past life regression work with Dolores Cannon, repeated, word-for-word, what the universe had told me:
Love is all there is; love is the beginning, and at the end there is nothing left but love.
Then I knew without a doubt that I was supposed to see that video, and I was supposed to take the next step.
I began my QHHT training almost immediately and I have never looked back. More importantly, I have never felt such purpose and passion for anything in my life.
That's why I do this work. Because I'm supposed to.
The signs were already there. Now it was possible for me to receive them.
I found my way to the light.
Now all I want is to help other people find their own light.
Through QHHT and BQH, I am able to facilitate that dream and it fills my heart each time a client leaves with new insights, renewed hopes, or just a calmness they have never felt before.
Sending love and light to all,
Richelle
